With a tug of the leather
reins, the sleigh landed in exactly the right spot on the roof. Even the hooves of my eight reindeer pattered
gently against the shingles of the shotgun home nestled beside a classic New Orleans
bar. The Marigny is peaceful tonight,
and the thick, chilly fog prevents any curious passers-by who happen to look up
from noticing the bright red vehicle and big bag of toys.
I don’t have much time.
Bad snow in Chicago and a
near-miss from an overzealous airline dragged me behind schedule, but there's
plenty of magic in these old elven bones to set the night back on track.
The chimney is old. It has been closed up the past few years, so
I have to get in through the narrow vents in the window AC. Tonight, the unit is set to heat, and the
contraption warms me as I enter the building's second room where the Broussard
family has set up their impressive Fraser fir.
Pralines and milk rest on
the annual red and green plate, and the stockings are hung at the mantle of the
defunct fireplace with care as usual, but they have outdone themselves this
year by amassing more multicolored twinkling lights, glimmering garland, and oversized
ornaments than this family should be able to afford. Adding to the extravagance, the opulent angel
atop the tree is a vast improvement over the previous, raggedy elf who formerly
crowned the display. Classic
overcompensation—a shame.
According to my list, the
family hasn’t had the greatest luck the past twelve months.
Their father, Alphonse,
has had a little trouble with the bottle ever since his loving wife, Veronica,
got diagnosed with breast cancer. Their
kids, Billy and Faith, haven’t been on their best behavior either. Back in May, Billy shoved a lit M-80 down a
bullfrog's throat to watch which way the eyes would fly when its head exploded,
and Faith has been stealing candy and cherry lip gloss from the corner
store. A few weeks back, Faith, in a
jealous lapse of judgement, even lifted a doll from another, more well-mannered
neighbor. Even though I've brought coal
in my pocket for them, I can't help but feel bad that my magic isn't strong
enough to take away the disease from their mother. They deserve a pass this time.
I'll just have to hold
back on the candy for their stockings, maybe give those extra chocolate covered
cherries to that little girl who lost her doll. I know that she'd appreciate the gesture.
After the sweets and
milk, I retrieve their presents from my red velvet sack. The satchel always knows what to offer up
when I reach in, and letting it take care of the heavy lifting helps to keep
the extra weight out of the sled.
Keeping the cargo light allows a more aerodynamic and fast journey. Some nights, I need all the extra time I can
spare.
The letters that they sent
me during the break from school for Thanksgiving state that Billy desires a
video game and a skateboard and Faith wants a fancy hand mirror and that cute
pink dress she noticed in the catalog.
For Billy, I added on a helmet and pads so she doesn't hurt his head,
elbows, and knees. And for Faith, shoes
and socks that match her new outfit.
Both kids are getting
books. Although toys are fun, nothing
beats a little food for the brain.
The presents come easy, a
few more than I expected. It seems that
the universe is also sympathetic to their plight this year. A big box wrapped in slick, silver paper
takes two hands to produce. The heavy
present rattles as I stumble to tuck it behind the tree. Strategically placing oversized gifts in the
back are my way of setting up a grand finale.
After all, what better way to end the event than with a big bang?
I step over the purple
package filled with Faith's dress, and—snap—bolts
of lightning shoot up my leg.
I drop the present, and
the box bounces off an enormous steel bear trap that's chained to the floor.
I try to pull free from
the awful device, but the snare's sharp teeth tear deeper into my shin. Warm wet spills from the wound, down my leg
to pool in my boot; the chain clatters as I struggle.
Pain sets in, and I howl
in agony.
The overhead lights snap
on, temporarily blinding me.
When everything focuses,
Billy and Faith are standing by the pralines and milk tray, smiling the most
wicked grins this normally jolly old man has ever seen. Billy aims his father's cell phone at me, no
doubt filming this embarrassing entrapment while Faith brandishes a large,
gleaming kitchen knife.
"We got
him!" She squeals and twirls
around.
Billy steps closer. "Say cheese, fat man."
"Wh-what's going on
here?" I'm terrified to move my
aching, bleeding leg. "Where are
your parents?"
Faith snickers. "We gave them plenty of Mom's sedatives
with their evening wine. They'll be out
for a while."
"We gave them so
much, they might not wake up at all."
Billy extends an open palm, and Faith slaps it.
They are actually
reveling in this evil indiscretion.
For the first time, the
loss of innocence is obvious in their eyes.
Mrs. Clause, the elves,
my gut intuition, the crystal ball—all of my resources have failed me on this
one. Here I was, feeling bad for these
two gremlins, and all the while, they were plotting a set-up.
Guess whose names are
permanently landing in the Naughty Book?
I collect myself. Maybe reason will ease the tension and back
them down. "Look, I know this isn't
you. Billy, remember that year you got
all those Star Wars action
figures? And Faith, how about those My Little Pony and Barbie dolls? You two are
better than this. Does not the memory of
them ignite some of that childlike wonder within your souls?"
"No," they both
chime.
Faith lunges, knife aimed
at my chest.
I pinch my nose, tap into
some of that old North Pole magic I use to slip down chimneys, and transform
myself into blue smoke.
The blade slashes thin
air.
Faith tumbles over the
empty trap and knocks over the tree. The
lights flicker one last time before snapping off.
I reappear by the
stockings, hands on my hips and leg throbbing.
"Why are you doing this? I
know things are rough right now, but with a lot of positive thinking and a
little luck, things will work out for the best for your family."
Billy slides the cell
phone in his pocket, his eyes like the jagged icicles that hang from the
rooftops back home. "There is no
why."
He rushes at me, arms
out. His small fists land a punch before
I can react, and I topple over the fell fir and land on Faith.
Her blade makes purchase,
the tip so sharp, it slices through my layered velvet coat as if it never
reformed from mist and stabs into my abdomen.
Billy piles on top of me,
clawing at my eyes, pulling my beard.
Faith, laughing, stabs
again and again, branches snapping with every thrust. My nose fills with pine and bark.
Billy wraps his tiny
fingers around my neck and squeezes; where did such a small child find this
rage, this angry strength?
I choke. Blood splatters across the boy's face. Has the knife punctured a lung?
"Die, you merry red
fuck." Billy head-butts me, but the
attack throws off his balance, and I'm able to regain footing.
Tossing off the brat, he
crashes into the snack tray, sending the pralines and milk flying into the
stockings.
I manage rolling off
Faith, but blood gushes from my wounds. Darkening
crimson shadows consume my coat's normal festive red, stain the white, fluffy
trim. Sticky sap clings to my gloves,
face, hair—everything.
Faith, trapped in the
tree branches, garland, and light strands, struggles to escape. Ornaments break under her thrashing.
Stunned, Billy shakes his
head. Milk drips from his mussed hair
and streaks across his round cheeks.
"You bastard. I'll kill you."
I can't catch my
breath. "I wish…I wish I could take
away the pain, son. I realize things
haven’t been in your favor, but this violence won't solve anything.
"Get him,
Billy. Don’t let him get away,"
Faith screams. She's almost free.
Billy uses the mantle to
stand, pulling down the ceramic Christmas tree lamp, shattering it. The clear, glass star splinters; red and
green bulbs scatter everywhere.
"He ain't going
nowhere."
But Billy will never be
as fast as Father Christmas.
A pinch of the nose, and I'm
out of there.
On the roof, I summon my
present sack and load it on the sleigh.
The wounds are already healing, but I've lost so much time. Finishing the run will be a challenge, but
I've been in worse situations.
As I climb aboard, red
burning eyes pierce the night.
The demon's chain clank
as he pulls himself on the roof, birch branches in his clawed hand. He smiles when he sees me, his long, forked
tongue rolls out. His hooves thump as he
passes, no doubt heading for the AC unit.
He'll retrieve the phone
for me, erase the evidence. He always has my back.
I call to the reindeer,
and they lift us into the Louisiana night.
Below us, the screams of
children.
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